Medium coffees

I worked in an office years ago that had so few people in it we could boil one kettle and make a cup of tea or coffee for everyone without having to refill it. The only problem was that the inconsiderate bastards I worked with drank tea and I preferred coffee hated the stuff.

I really couldn't stand tea but for reasons I've never quite been able to put my finger on. The best way I could describe the taste of a cup of tea to me then was lukewarm and bitter which was the complete opposite of a cup of coffee that was piping hot and full of flavour.

In contrast with my colleagues I was not an inconsiderate bastard so it made sense (to me at least) that if they were going to make four cups of tea they might as well make five instead of four cups of tea and one coffee. That's another thing about making tea, it's a bloody cumbersome process of letting the hot water soak into the teabag, giving it a squeeze with a teaspoon and then fishing it out so you can chuck it in the bin. Contrast that with giving your cup of Carte Noire instant coffee a quick but vigorous stir and you can see why I wouldn't want to go to all that extra hassle of making something bitter and lukewarm.

Since then however I've grown quite fond of tea and it's probably got a lot to do with the time I spent in that office. It's better for dunking biscuits in for a start (not that I don't dunk biscuits in coffee but tea is better suited)  and you don't have to worry that it'll keep you awake all night if you drink a cup an hour or two before bed.

I still enjoy a good cup of coffee though and one of my favourite things to do to is just go out and drink a cup while I let my thoughts and the world drift by. It was while I was out having a cup recently that I got to thinking about the size of coffees. Costa do three sizes; Primo, Medio and Massimo while Starbucks call theirs Tall, Grande and Venti. All fancy schmancy names for small, medium and large.

Small is probably what you get at home, medium is probably more than you need and large is probably going to give you an irregular and irreparable heart rhythm if you keep chucking it down your neck in those kinds of doses.

Imagine for a second though you went into a coffee shop and asked for a medium cappuccino / latte / americano then found yourself a seat and sat down ready to let your thoughts drift when you hear a small voice that says:

"Sir, can I have your name please? There's a woman sitting right next to you"

There's no-one else in the coffee shop except the staff so you say "I'm sorry, did you say something" to the barista behind the counter. He says no so you carry presume you imagined it and go to take a drink when a little more impatiently this time you hear the voice again and it says "Sir, I'm talking to you, yes you with the puzzled look on your face, what's your name? There's a woman sitting right next to you who wants to talk to you". The cappuccino you ordered is unmistakably and inexplicably TALKING TO YOU AND ASKING YOU FOR YOUR NAME.

"Uhh, my name's John" you say a little hesitantly as you realise you're talking to a cup of coffee.

"Great, now, you've lost someone recently who wants to talk to you and let you know they're OK and that the dog you lost when you were four years old is in one piece now even though the bus that hit it left it splattered all over the road".

"Hold on" you say "You're a cup of coffee, why are you talking to me about dead people, much less talking to me at all?"

"Well" it says knowingly "you DID order a medium coffee".